mr_gaeta | (no subject)

(no subject)

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor has invited aquarianStargazer to join private transtimeline bulletin board TO LOUIS

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor 26 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board TO LOUIS

CAS: hey
CAS: its me
CAS: ruight, like itd be anybody else
CAS: except gogo maybe
CAS: sorry, ive had a lot of ambrosia & im concentratinv v hard on trying t hit the right keys
CAS: not exactly working
CAS: its either this or go back to sleep & i just spent 5 hrs having really vivid nightmares AGAIN s id rather just get drunk
CAS: you know?
CAS: anyway
CAS: i miss you
CAS: i love you
CAS: i really wish it wasnt just me & a big extinct bird in here right now
CAS: but yure probably not going to get this for another 3 godsdamn weeks or something because of the frakking time differential so not much we can do there
CAS: i just
CAS: dont know how much longer i can keep doing this
CAS: the nightmares
CAS: theeverything
CAS: its
CAS: okay
CAS: maybe itll be easier if i write it. i dont know
CAS: worth a try
CAS: Louis, I killed 200 people on New Caprica.
CAS: not directly. but that doesnt matter
CAS: i had a whole list of names & gave them to an 8 because she said she could get them out of detention
CAS: & she killed them
CAS: shed tell me they just ran off or id just missed thm in the mess or something
CAS: you didnt see them? im sure youll see them tomorrow
CAS: she always said that
CAS: over & over
CAS: i believed her & 200 people are dead becase of what i did
CAS: all i was doing was trying to help
CAS: & i killed people
CAS: i cant
CAS: i found out on the raptor
CAS: same 8. the dead one.
CAS: she killed everyone & told m what happened
CAS: & i dont know what to do & i dont know how to deal & i keep frakking dreaming about it every godsdamn night
CAS: its getting worse
CAS: and it always gets cold when it happens
CAS: i cant stop remembering how cold it was on the raptor & how it smelled w all the blood everywhere
CAS: & it never feels like i can breathe right anymore
CAS: i think i shouldve just od'd like i planned
CAS: managed 1 dose. couldnt do the other.
CAS: there was only 20 min of air left anyway
CAS: wouldve made everything easier
CAS: i couldve just come here straight from there
CAS: no mutiny
CAS: no leaving you
CAS: i wouldnt have hurt you & it wouldve been better
CAS: youre probably not going to get this for a while anyway.
CAS: ill probably end up deleting it whenever im sober next
CAS: i dnt know
CAS: maybe itll be better in the morning
CAS: i miss you so much

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"A little," he admits, closing his eyes at the touch. "I, ah. Think I hate slightly less of everything now."

"Good."

He keeps up the light massage.

"Look at it this way: at least this time you didn't wake up with a new tattoo."

Gaeta snorts a weak laugh.

"You never know," he says. "Maybe it's under my hair somewhere. Good way to cover up the pain."

"You have a point," Hoshi agrees.

"I can think of a better way, though."

"Hm?"

He chances opening his eyes, squinting up at Louis.

"Mm-hmm."

It's eerily fitting, in a way; after all, Felix had been injured and heartsick over having trusted the wrong person last time, too.

Godsdamn New Caprica all to hell, anyway.

But this time, it's Hoshi who frames Felix's face with his own hands, Hoshi who leans in to kiss him - for the first time since the betrayal, the mutiny, everything, and as he does, he offers his entire being up in love and hope and trust that somehow, some way, they can start over once more.

Oh.

He'd -- well, not forgotten; he could never forget. But it's like seeing a landscape subtly changed after a long time away, or starting a book read years ago only to realize, oh. I know how this story goes.

It's like he's finally come home.

Gently, Gaeta settles a hand on Louis' forearm as the kiss continues; and when he finally pulls away, his eyes are damp and stinging.

He doesn't try to hold on.

Instead, in silence, he searches Felix's face as though memorizing him; just as silently, he raises one hand and brushes his thumb over Felix's cheekbone once more.

He breaks into a watery laugh, not quite believing what just happened.

"Yeah," he says, "that helps," and leans in to steal another kiss.

This time, he puts his free arm around Felix, pressing him closer as he returns the kiss.

When it breaks, Hoshi closes his eyes and turns his head slightly, touching his lips to the angle of Felix's jaw.

"I love you," he murmurs, his breath warm against the other man's skin.

"And I'm sorry."

"I love you too," he whispers back, closing his eyes. The headache hasn't really diminished, but it's far easier to ignore with Louis so close.

Like he said before: it's always easier when Louis is around.

"You don't have to apologize."

"Yes, I do."

He doesn't look up, nor does he open his eyes. Instead, he bows his head slightly, as if under some weight.

"For not being ... for, just, that you didn't feel you could tell me. Before."

He swallows down an emerging lump in his throat. "I couldn't tell anyone," he says. "It's -- "

Gaeta starts to correct himself, to replace present tense with past, but stops at the last minute.

"It's too much. A lot of the time."

But if he had, that little inner whisper points out. If he had, then--

You can't unwish the past, a deeper voice counters, and Hoshi draws a slow breath, knowing it to be true. What's done is done.

He sits back a little, just enough that he can meet Felix's eyes.

"So I gather," he murmurs.

His mouth quirks, helplessly -- but he doesn't look away from Louis.

"I still don't know what to do."

"I don't either, but--"

He clears his throat again, and makes himself sound more confident than he feels.

"But I'm pretty sure that the answer isn't going to be at the bottom of the bottle, baby."

And that does get Gaeta to drop his gaze.

"It's sort of felt like it's this or morpha," he admits, very quietly. "And I can't get morpha anymore."

"I'm not blaming you," Hoshi answers, just as quietly. "But I don't ..."

He breathes, carefully: in, then out, then in again.

"... I don't think it's helping, do you?"

The helpless half-a-smile returns: the smile of someone knowing the other party's right, but still hoping one simple explanation will make the whole argument go away.

"It helps me not think," he says. "It helps me sleep."

He starts to say something, then stops, visibly thinking it over.

"... but it doesn't help you not dream. Does it."

"Depends."

He may as well have just gone all-out and said no, it doesn't.

This time, when he reaches up to touch Felix's cheekbone, his fingers are trembling.

"I don't have an answer, Felix. I wish I did. But..."

Say it. Just say it, godsdammit!

"... there was something. Something you said, last night."

He looks up, wordlessly puzzled.

After a second, he moves to cover Louis' hand with his own.

He forces himself not to turn his wrist and clutch Felix's fingers, but just to keep his hand where it is.

"That you... that you had to stay. For me."

A few new lines crease up along Gaeta's forehead. He blinks; the puzzled look doesn't abate.

"Well, yeah," he says, as if Louis just told him you said gravity worked.