[Room 372]

[mr_gaeta]

[After this.]

"Okay," says Gaeta -- out of breath, as always, from the climb up the stairs -- as he shoulders open the door. The bird immediately weaves around him and darts in, plocking happily at its return to its new nest.

Once it became obvious that Gaeta would be a permanent resident, Bar kindly supplied a few additions and expansions to his room: a kitchenette, a couch and TV, a small bookshelf, a wooden partition to separate his bed from everything else. It looks more like a studio apartment now than the hotel atmosphere of most Milliways rooms.

Stepping aside as best he's able, he holds the door so Louis can come in.

Comments

[mr_gaeta]

He bites down hard on nothing, fingers tightening on his mug, and looks away.

I can't frakking believe this, says his expression.

[faithful_lt]

His lips compress into a thin line.

"Tell me I'm wrong," he challenges.

[mr_gaeta]

"Because when there was a really frakking good chance you'd get hurt, I tried to protect you?" he lashes back.

[faithful_lt]

"We've been over this," Hoshi snaps. "I don't know how to make it any frakking plainer, Felix: you shouldn't have."

[mr_gaeta]

"So why do you keep insisting you don't know what I was thinking when I've told you more than once?"

The bird, who's been pressing closer and closer to Gaeta as their voices rise, hooks its head over his left thigh and ruffles its feathers.

[faithful_lt]

"Because I didn't know when it counted!" he shouts, and jerks to his feet.

He turns away, taking one step blindly toward the door, then stops where he is and stands there, his breathing ragged, head down, his hands clenched tightly at his sides.

[mr_gaeta]

In the stillness that follows, the bird's feathers smooth out. When Gaeta doesn't move, it nudges him, as if checking that he's still alive.

(Well. For a given value thereof.)




The disbelief hasn't disappeared, but it's gone much quieter as Gaeta asks, "Are you blaming yourself for this?"

[faithful_lt]

Slowly, slowly, he turns around to face the other man.

(It's only then that he realizes he'd dropped his mug of coffee to the floor, where it lies spilled and broken.

It's not the only thing in this room that is, come to that.)



"Shouldn't I?"

[mr_gaeta]

"No."

It's just as immediate, and vehement, as his earlier denials -- but it's far gentler as well.

"Gods, of course not."

[faithful_lt]

He doesn't move.

"You'd rather I blame you?"

[mr_gaeta]

He cracks a small, very painful smile.

"Everybody else did."

(Including Gaeta himself.)

[faithful_lt]

"Yeah, well, I'm not everybody else, Felix, or did you forget that?"

[mr_gaeta]

The smile vanishes; he looks away, trying to compose himself before he meets Louis' eyes again.

"Guess it just depends which parts you want to blame me for, then."

[faithful_lt]

"I don't want to blame you, for any of it. I don't want--"



He breaks off there. Silence descends, for several long seconds.



"But then it doesn't matter what I want, does it."

[mr_gaeta]

Carefully -- betrayed by the tremor that shakes the liquid inside -- Gaeta leans down to deposit his own mug on the floor. The bird shoots it a curious look, but doesn't move from Gaeta's side.

"I'm the one who decided to mutiny." Quiet. "And I can take responsibility for that. It's not about what anybody wants; it's what's true."

[faithful_lt]

He shakes his head, as if not certain he's heard right.

"You decided."

A beat.

"Not Zarek?"

[mr_gaeta]

"No."

It's become exponentially more difficult to keep his voice level, upon seeing the look on Louis' face.

"I asked him for help. He agreed."

[faithful_lt]

"You asked him for help."

It was just a little earlier he'd said things couldn't get worse, wasn't it?

"You. Asked him. For help."

[mr_gaeta]

"Because I knew he wasn't any happier with President Roslin's leadership than I was with the Admiral's. And the whole frakking reason he ended up on Astral Queen in the first place was because he led rebellions."

He swallows, hard. Please stop looking at me like that.

"I needed someone on the civilian side."

[faithful_lt]

"On the civilian side."

He half-turns, staring blindly across the room at the far wall.

[mr_gaeta]

He's silent, for a long beat.



"I tried to plan it as thoroughly as I could," he whispers at last. "So there wouldn't be any casualties."

[faithful_lt]

Hoshi doesn't move, but keeps his eyes fixed on the wall.


"Like Laird, you mean?"

[mr_gaeta]

He shuts his eyes.

"Yeah."

And the Quorum.

[faithful_lt]

"You were wrong."

He'd told Racetrack the same thing, not so very long ago.

"You were wrong, Felix."

[mr_gaeta]

(I did everything I could. I don't know what else -- )

"Then what should I have done?"

He doesn't look up.