mr_gaeta | (no subject)

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor has invited aquarianStargazer to join private transtimeline bulletin board TO LOUIS

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor 26 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board TO LOUIS

CAS: hey
CAS: its me
CAS: ruight, like itd be anybody else
CAS: except gogo maybe
CAS: sorry, ive had a lot of ambrosia & im concentratinv v hard on trying t hit the right keys
CAS: not exactly working
CAS: its either this or go back to sleep & i just spent 5 hrs having really vivid nightmares AGAIN s id rather just get drunk
CAS: you know?
CAS: anyway
CAS: i miss you
CAS: i love you
CAS: i really wish it wasnt just me & a big extinct bird in here right now
CAS: but yure probably not going to get this for another 3 godsdamn weeks or something because of the frakking time differential so not much we can do there
CAS: i just
CAS: dont know how much longer i can keep doing this
CAS: the nightmares
CAS: theeverything
CAS: its
CAS: okay
CAS: maybe itll be easier if i write it. i dont know
CAS: worth a try
CAS: Louis, I killed 200 people on New Caprica.
CAS: not directly. but that doesnt matter
CAS: i had a whole list of names & gave them to an 8 because she said she could get them out of detention
CAS: & she killed them
CAS: shed tell me they just ran off or id just missed thm in the mess or something
CAS: you didnt see them? im sure youll see them tomorrow
CAS: she always said that
CAS: over & over
CAS: i believed her & 200 people are dead becase of what i did
CAS: all i was doing was trying to help
CAS: & i killed people
CAS: i cant
CAS: i found out on the raptor
CAS: same 8. the dead one.
CAS: she killed everyone & told m what happened
CAS: & i dont know what to do & i dont know how to deal & i keep frakking dreaming about it every godsdamn night
CAS: its getting worse
CAS: and it always gets cold when it happens
CAS: i cant stop remembering how cold it was on the raptor & how it smelled w all the blood everywhere
CAS: & it never feels like i can breathe right anymore
CAS: i think i shouldve just od'd like i planned
CAS: managed 1 dose. couldnt do the other.
CAS: there was only 20 min of air left anyway
CAS: wouldve made everything easier
CAS: i couldve just come here straight from there
CAS: no mutiny
CAS: no leaving you
CAS: i wouldnt have hurt you & it wouldve been better
CAS: youre probably not going to get this for a while anyway.
CAS: ill probably end up deleting it whenever im sober next
CAS: i dnt know
CAS: maybe itll be better in the morning
CAS: i miss you so much

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

His expression firms into stubbornness.

"Then how about I ask Lady Bar? If there's some kind of hangover cure that could help, she's got to know what it is."

Gaeta sighs again. "Louis, it's just a hangover," he says. "It's not urgent."

And it's not like they're an uncommon thing lately, anyway.

"Let me help you," Hoshi replies, very quietly. "Please, Felix."

He swallows. The words seem to resonate far louder, filling the room, pushing back some of the fog.

Finally, just as soft as Louis: "You can help by staying with me."

He sighs, but leaves off pressing the point, for now.

Hoshi takes the cool cloth from Felix's neck and refolds it, mopping up a drip here and there from the melting ice, then sets it aside and combs his fingers through the other man's hair.

"I know you can't stay that long," he whispers, closing his eyes at the touch. "But I'm serious, Louis. This is the best thing you can do for me right now."

"Okay," he says, as quietly as before.

"I'm here."

"Thank you."

He lapses into silence. On the other side of him, Gogo finally begins to stir, re-tucking his beak more firmly under one wing as if to say, I'm still asleep and I'm staying asleep, dagnabbit.

He makes an amused noise deep in his throat.

"Does he always sleep that soundly?"

"Hm?"

Gaeta cracks open an eye, moves his head just enough to focus on Gogo. A tiny smile emerges. "Yeah. Sometimes. Must know I'm in good hands and he can take a break for a bit."

"You can, too, if you want," Hoshi murmurs.

"I'll stand the watch."

The smile fades.

It wouldn't be fair -- no matter how true it might be -- to say you can't protect me from what's coming. The threats are all internal, and never manifest until they've already attacked: the thoughts and memories he can't quiet, the nightmares that never stop. It's warding off symptoms, not the cause.

Because there's no way to truly ward off the cause. It's too late.

He tries not to sniffle, fails, and shuts his eyes again.

Felix's expression is as plain as print, and just as easy to read. It's clear he doesn't want to sleep again.

Hoshi lets out a small sigh, and runs his hand up and down Felix's arm as he thinks.

"Or... I could catch you up on the latest round of who owes what at Triad."

"Yeah?"

His eyes blink open; he slants a glance up at Louis. After a second, he smiles faintly: exhausted, relieved, grateful for the distraction.

He smiles back.

"Yeah. For one thing, I think Carroll's well on the way to building an empire out of cards."

Gaeta huffs out the tiniest of laughs. "Never doubted," he says, and settles a hand atop Louis' where it rests on his arm. "You know I taught him how to count the deck?"

Hoshi stares at him in surprise, then begins to laugh.

His smile grows in response.

"Our little ensign's all grown up," he says, serenely, as he nestles closer.

"So it appears," Hoshi agrees, and leans his head against Felix's as he settles in to relay the details.

"Then again, there's someone who might just be able to give him a run for his cubits..."

"Mm-hm?"

He's close enough that, as Louis begins unspooling the story, his voice is something felt as much as heard: a low hum in his chest, a faint vibration in his throat. It comforts him through the pangs of homesickness he can't quite dodge -- and the inner rebuke that follows each time, reminding Gaeta he wouldn't be in this position if --

Well. There are a lot of 'ifs.' Not all of which are the sole province of the mutiny.

But the comfort's what matters, even more than the story itself after a while. He listens, and feels, the words, and each one lulls him away a little farther.

This time, when he finally falls asleep, it's without pain.