(no subject)

[mr_gaeta]

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor has invited aquarianStargazer to join private transtimeline bulletin board TO LOUIS

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor 26 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board TO LOUIS


CAS: hey
CAS: its me
CAS: ruight, like itd be anybody else
CAS: except gogo maybe
CAS: sorry, ive had a lot of ambrosia & im concentratinv v hard on trying t hit the right keys
CAS: not exactly working
CAS: its either this or go back to sleep & i just spent 5 hrs having really vivid nightmares AGAIN s id rather just get drunk
CAS: you know?
CAS: anyway
CAS: i miss you
CAS: i love you
CAS: i really wish it wasnt just me & a big extinct bird in here right now
CAS: but yure probably not going to get this for another 3 godsdamn weeks or something because of the frakking time differential so not much we can do there
CAS: i just
CAS: dont know how much longer i can keep doing this
CAS: the nightmares
CAS: theeverything
CAS: its
CAS: okay
CAS: maybe itll be easier if i write it. i dont know
CAS: worth a try
CAS: Louis, I killed 200 people on New Caprica.
CAS: not directly. but that doesnt matter
CAS: i had a whole list of names & gave them to an 8 because she said she could get them out of detention
CAS: & she killed them
CAS: shed tell me they just ran off or id just missed thm in the mess or something
CAS: you didnt see them? im sure youll see them tomorrow
CAS: she always said that
CAS: over & over
CAS: i believed her & 200 people are dead becase of what i did
CAS: all i was doing was trying to help
CAS: & i killed people
CAS: i cant
CAS: i found out on the raptor
CAS: same 8. the dead one.
CAS: she killed everyone & told m what happened
CAS: & i dont know what to do & i dont know how to deal & i keep frakking dreaming about it every godsdamn night
CAS: its getting worse
CAS: and it always gets cold when it happens
CAS: i cant stop remembering how cold it was on the raptor & how it smelled w all the blood everywhere
CAS: & it never feels like i can breathe right anymore
CAS: i think i shouldve just od'd like i planned
CAS: managed 1 dose. couldnt do the other.
CAS: there was only 20 min of air left anyway
CAS: wouldve made everything easier
CAS: i couldve just come here straight from there
CAS: no mutiny
CAS: no leaving you
CAS: i wouldnt have hurt you & it wouldve been better
CAS: youre probably not going to get this for a while anyway.
CAS: ill probably end up deleting it whenever im sober next
CAS: i dnt know
CAS: maybe itll be better in the morning
CAS: i miss you so much

Comments

[faithful_lt]

"I'm not blaming you," Hoshi answers, just as quietly. "But I don't ..."

He breathes, carefully: in, then out, then in again.

"... I don't think it's helping, do you?"

[mr_gaeta]

The helpless half-a-smile returns: the smile of someone knowing the other party's right, but still hoping one simple explanation will make the whole argument go away.

"It helps me not think," he says. "It helps me sleep."

[faithful_lt]

He starts to say something, then stops, visibly thinking it over.




"... but it doesn't help you not dream. Does it."

[mr_gaeta]

"Depends."

He may as well have just gone all-out and said no, it doesn't.

[faithful_lt]

This time, when he reaches up to touch Felix's cheekbone, his fingers are trembling.

"I don't have an answer, Felix. I wish I did. But..."

Say it. Just say it, godsdammit!

"... there was something. Something you said, last night."

[mr_gaeta]

He looks up, wordlessly puzzled.

After a second, he moves to cover Louis' hand with his own.

[faithful_lt]

He forces himself not to turn his wrist and clutch Felix's fingers, but just to keep his hand where it is.



"That you... that you had to stay. For me."

[mr_gaeta]

A few new lines crease up along Gaeta's forehead. He blinks; the puzzled look doesn't abate.

"Well, yeah," he says, as if Louis just told him you said gravity worked.

[faithful_lt]

"If you," he begins, slowly, carefully.

"If you didn't. If you wanted. I'd... I'd understand, if..."

[mr_gaeta]

He opens his mouth. Closes it, after a moment, still staring.

"I'm not," he insists. "I'm not going to do that to you again."

[faithful_lt]

He reaches out with his free hand and takes Felix's other hand in his, squeezing gently.

"I'm not telling you to go anywhere. I'll be honest: I don't want you to."

Not any more, anyway; Hoshi decided some time ago that even as hard as this is, it's far, far better than having lost Felix entirely.

"But the thing is, baby -- I want you to want to stay. For you, not for me."

[mr_gaeta]

He looks down at their clasped hands, and swallows.




"I want to want to stay, too."

Wretchedly small.

"But I haven't figured out how except for you, yet."

[faithful_lt]

"It's a start," he murmurs. "I'll be your anchor, baby."

[mr_gaeta]

The briefest of smiles crosses his lips. Carefully, he squeezes Louis' hand, as if to confirm what the other man's telling him.

"You're okay with that?" Still soft.

[faithful_lt]

He lifts their linked hands and kisses the inside of Felix's wrist.

"I'm okay with it. And soon you'll find another anchor or two."

[mr_gaeta]

He shivers a little at the kiss, in spite of himself. It's offset pretty damn quickly by another thump of pain in his skull.

"Gods, I hope so," he whispers.

[faithful_lt]

Hoshi turns his other hand and catches Felix's fingers, then brings both of the other man's hands together and clasps them gently.

"Maybe we could find you a hobby."

[mr_gaeta]

Gaeta quirks a halfhearted smile. "Like what, needlepoint?"

[faithful_lt]

He winces a little, even as an answering smile flickers.

"Maybe not that, but ... it's just, I was thinking. Some of the outposts back on Aquaria were really, really remote, you know? And it happened from time to time that the isolation would get to people."

Hoshi shrugs, very slightly.

"It helped when they had something to do. Like mending nets, or - I knew one guy who took up trying to refine circuits out of scrap wire. A couple got into knitting socks. Just... things."

[mr_gaeta]

His own smile stays put, crooked as it may be.

"I could send you back to Galactica with a sweater and a hat," he says.

[faithful_lt]

"I wouldn't say no, if you did," Hoshi counters.

"Anyway, it's... something to think about, maybe."

[mr_gaeta]

"Yeah," he says after a moment, though he doesn't sound wholly convinced. The smile slips away.

"There's, ah. There's not a lot I'm good at that I can do anymore."

[faithful_lt]

Hoshi just looks at him.

"I don't believe that."

A beat, and a tiny, slightly wry smile.

"Besides, remember how you once told me that I could probably get books on sailing in other worlds from here? There's got to be all kinds of resources for you, too."

[mr_gaeta]

"Yeah, but..."

He flounders. (Gods, he wants to believe him so badly.)

"Louis, you know how specialized your skill set can get in the Fleet. And I served for seven years. I don't know how to do anything else."

[faithful_lt]

He hesitates for what feels like a long time.

GodsDAMN New Caprica, Hoshi thinks again, feeling the bitter taste of acid wash through the back of this throat.

"You could, though. I know you can," he settles for, finally.