mr_gaeta | (no subject)

(no subject)

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor has invited aquarianStargazer to join private transtimeline bulletin board TO LOUIS

CURRENT auxiliarySurveyor 26 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board TO LOUIS

CAS: hey
CAS: its me
CAS: ruight, like itd be anybody else
CAS: except gogo maybe
CAS: sorry, ive had a lot of ambrosia & im concentratinv v hard on trying t hit the right keys
CAS: not exactly working
CAS: its either this or go back to sleep & i just spent 5 hrs having really vivid nightmares AGAIN s id rather just get drunk
CAS: you know?
CAS: anyway
CAS: i miss you
CAS: i love you
CAS: i really wish it wasnt just me & a big extinct bird in here right now
CAS: but yure probably not going to get this for another 3 godsdamn weeks or something because of the frakking time differential so not much we can do there
CAS: i just
CAS: dont know how much longer i can keep doing this
CAS: the nightmares
CAS: theeverything
CAS: its
CAS: okay
CAS: maybe itll be easier if i write it. i dont know
CAS: worth a try
CAS: Louis, I killed 200 people on New Caprica.
CAS: not directly. but that doesnt matter
CAS: i had a whole list of names & gave them to an 8 because she said she could get them out of detention
CAS: & she killed them
CAS: shed tell me they just ran off or id just missed thm in the mess or something
CAS: you didnt see them? im sure youll see them tomorrow
CAS: she always said that
CAS: over & over
CAS: i believed her & 200 people are dead becase of what i did
CAS: all i was doing was trying to help
CAS: & i killed people
CAS: i cant
CAS: i found out on the raptor
CAS: same 8. the dead one.
CAS: she killed everyone & told m what happened
CAS: & i dont know what to do & i dont know how to deal & i keep frakking dreaming about it every godsdamn night
CAS: its getting worse
CAS: and it always gets cold when it happens
CAS: i cant stop remembering how cold it was on the raptor & how it smelled w all the blood everywhere
CAS: & it never feels like i can breathe right anymore
CAS: i think i shouldve just od'd like i planned
CAS: managed 1 dose. couldnt do the other.
CAS: there was only 20 min of air left anyway
CAS: wouldve made everything easier
CAS: i couldve just come here straight from there
CAS: no mutiny
CAS: no leaving you
CAS: i wouldnt have hurt you & it wouldve been better
CAS: youre probably not going to get this for a while anyway.
CAS: ill probably end up deleting it whenever im sober next
CAS: i dnt know
CAS: maybe itll be better in the morning
CAS: i miss you so much

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Why, indeed.

With the suddenness of a lightning strike, Hoshi understands why all too clearly.

Why Felix sought in desperation to convince the Admiral not to agree to (another) alliance with the Cylons.

Why, when that failed, he was willing to lead a mutiny, no matter the cost.

Why he was willing to die; why he felt he deserved to die, why he --

He closes his eyes, and turns his face into Felix's hair.

"She used you. You didn't know."

"Doesn't matter." He gulps down air, trying to tune into the warmth of both Louis and Gogo. "Still happn'd."

He presses the side of one hand to his eyes. The damp feels too much like blood.

"Didn' know Baltar was a shithead either 'n look how that turned out."

It's not funny, there's nothing funny about any of this, and yet the surprise at hearing Felix's summary of Baltar startles a huff of laughter from him all the same.

"I know, baby."

Fortunately, Gaeta's too far gone to really notice the laugh.

"'S only so many times you can keep -- " His voice threatens to break; he only staves it off for another two words. "Keep hoping -- "

(there's a fine line between ignorance and hope)

" -- s'gonna be different," he manages to finish, fighting down a shiver as he does.

He rubs his hand up and down Felix's back once more, then eases back and takes Felix's hands in his.

Hoshi strokes his thumbs across Felix's palms, very gently, searching Felix's face as he does -- and then just as gently, he lifts Felix's hands and kisses each palm.

His chin wobbles. He doesn't have the presence of mind to stop it.

"Should've known. Or, or figured it out sooner."

"Baby, you're demanding the impossible of yourself," Hoshi murmurs.

"How could anyone have seen it?"

"She was a Cylon." His voice trembles harder; his breathing has started to speed up. "'Course I should've seen it -- "

"Shhh, shhh," he soothes. "Felix, baby, don't. You were doing the best you could."

He shakes his head, over and over, clutching Louis tighter to compensate for the vertigo.

"Doesn' matter," he mumbles again. "It wasn' enough."

The worst thing is that it's true.

"I know," he whispers, and raises one hand to cup Felix's face with trembling fingers.

"I know, baby. I know."

Another futile gulp for air. Gaeta lists inward until his forehead touches Louis', tears continuing to streak his face.

Hearing someone else confirm that he failed -- that he did what he could, but once again fell short -- quiets some deep part of him, even as it wrenches other wounds wider. It's not enough to stop him from crying, but it's enough to keep the tears silent, now, as they dampen Louis' fingers.

"I can't do this."

Fear spikes, and he sucks in a sharp breath.

"Can't do what?"

"I can't," he tries again, and has to stop to collect his thoughts. "Everything was s'posed to be better, I can't keep doing this, it keeps getting worse 'n I can't -- "

By the end, his voice has fractured too much to keep going.

He swallows against the surge of sick anguish, and forces his tone to firm.

"No, you can't," Hoshi agrees. His glance flicks to the empty bottles of ambrosia and back.

"So we'll have to find another way."

He pulls back an inch, blinking, as if he can't parse what Louis just said.

He stays right where he is, searching Felix's face.

Even more unsteady: "What d'you mean?"

"Drinking this much, tearing yourself apart up here alone--"

Gogo lets out a disgruntled 'plock,' and Hoshi winces.

"-- sorry, Gogo. But you understand, right?"

His mouth twitches a fraction at Gogo's interjection, but he doesn't take his eyes off Louis.

"'S the only way it stops," he says. "An' I can't jus -- 'm not gonna leave you again. I won't do that. I have to stay 'n this is the only way how."

"No, it's not," he insists, even as Felix's reasoning stabs through his already-broken heart.

"But we don't have to figure it out tonight."

He manages a tiny smile, barely.

"I think we should both be sober first."

Gaeta sniffles. Nods, after another beat.

Defeated: "Okay."

"Do you think you could sleep?"

Both hands tighten convulsively on Louis as his breathing kicks up again. "Please don't make me," he begs. "I don't wanna dream about it anymore."

"Okay, okay, shh-- it's okay, I won't, I --"

He curves his hand to Felix's face again, tracing the line of the other man's cheekbone with his thumb.